These days

I wonder if there is a safe place to say to myself,

get a fucking life.

 

Quiet my weeping

You say you don’t mean to be, mean to me. How you don’t wanna break this pot of gold. But lately you make me feel like a backup plan. If it’s your heart you’re guarding, it’s mine you’re breaking. If it’s your friends you’re protecting, it’s this fragile pot you’re breaking. Tell me if I’m a disgrace to you, when I have battered my heart for you. I, like a condemned woman rising to your blows and breaks. Reasons, excuses, like relentless labor to reveal burns on this injured heart.

I figured

one reason why some might not like socializing with others.

Because from socializing they realize that they’re irrelevant, outlandish, boring, not good enough.

If you cannot measure it, it does not exist.

True? If life is messy, clean it up, organize it, and put it into a bento box.

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I feel I’m enough. But why do I waver so easily. Because I didn’t believe that I’m enough.

How do I make myself believe I am enough?

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Where

is Tricia?

Please don’t be in love with someone else

Please don’t have somebody waiting on you

I know

some things are hidden from me.

I wish and hope that someday, they will come to light.

Because I know what’s going on.

And I don’t like to be deceived, nor do I like to be treated as if I’m oblivious to what has been happening.

After 1 year, 2 months.

I’m still listening to emo songs,

still have a tendency to over think,

still love to hide in my sanctuary.

Tell me, if there is a major difference? With me?

Haha!

Maybe I’m not as emotional. But is being emo such a bad thing?

Society says it is. But I think, not necessarily.

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How much is enough? How much is not enough.

 

I always like

to stay in the backround.

And by that…do I mean keeping things in?

Can one stay in the background and yet express oneself?

Lol.

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Today a student sitting in front of me in math class told Professor she liked his ring. He burst out laughing. So random. But so cute.

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So I realized,

that staying away from blogging makes me feel like I’m not in touch with myself. I know I’m comletely condradicting myself, in my previous entry I said I wanna stay away from blogging because I found it hard to express myself in front of an audience. I probably felt like I needed to hide from the world because I was saying too much. But why? Why did I need to hide? I don’t/didn’t want to be Ms. Hidey. There’s nothing about me that I should hide. But I still do it. The capacity to elude myself continues to amaze me. Straight out of the truth I might say, I was afraid of facing truths, of facing my own thoughts. Innately, I am still hiding. That was why I stopped blogging? I’m not sure what I’m thinking right now…but I miss writing, writing about my feelings, my fears. I guess I can conclude from this paragraph…that perhaps I am also a tad confused…about my identity. And we know that spells trouble. The question remains, who am I? Or have I evolved, changed, lost? Again. I know that’s gibberish. I am still who I am. I’m merely living outside myself.

I’ve been thinking. What if I went to Singapore Management University, what if I went to Singapore Institute of Management? How different would my life be? I wonder if my friends have also thought about this. Would they prefer for me to be around? Would anybody care? Haha. 

Logically speaking, there is no sense in thinking about that because it wouldn’t happen, but I sometimes like to think about the unrealistic side of things. Would I be the same Tricia as I am today? Would I be blasting sappy music into my ears as I am doing right now? I could perhaps have a more comfortable life, stay in my sanctuary, be near my parents, be where I am familiar with my surroundings, have all the friends I love beside me. Yet, would I be truly happy, assuming I had all that? Does an overseas study program not constitute a comfortable life, does it not constitute happiness?

I guess either way, I would still not be satisfied.

I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of things slipping through my fingers. I like to be safe, I don’t like uncertainties. But we all need uncertainties, so we can grow.

I need to lighten up…I know this is not the way to go, it’s not right to wallow in self-despair, its just plain silly. There is so much awaiting me, why don’t I see all that. It’s crystal ball clear.

I can actually hardly speak aloud to myself at this time. I still want to be quiet.

I think too much, I know.

I can’t help it because I care. I do.

I have so much to offer to others, am I doing it right? Or have I not given anything despite my capacity to do so.

Can you hear me now.

I care.

I just need some words of assurances to know, that I’m okay. 

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I also have this urge to say that I want the best for everyone. It saddens me when someone I know is not happy.

I just wanted to say that.

Stay healthy, rest adequately, be happy and enjoy every moment life brings to you.

Appreciate every healthy moment, that is important.

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